saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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