I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
