my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
