If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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