If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You are a genius and a whore.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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