even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
