I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
