just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
