I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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