That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
