Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
