so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
