I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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