he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
