She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
