I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i will never coherently bang her
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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