I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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