he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
