My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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