I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
