I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
