Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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