I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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