Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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