i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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