I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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