Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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