We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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