I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
