I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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