see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
