saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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