turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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