since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
