I met the friendliest cop last night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
