this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
