Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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