The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
