just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I love how my cats smell like pot.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
