Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
