I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
