You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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