Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
