I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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