I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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