Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
