Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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