I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
