ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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