God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The beers last night were like the tears from god
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
