ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
