the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
