Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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