Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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