I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
