im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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