Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
