I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
