I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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