come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
