you didnt know i had herpes?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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