mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Randomize
