Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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