I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
