How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
